i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
be right there i have to get my cape
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
