You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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