Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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