I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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