I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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