I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
