had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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