quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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