The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
