the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
