dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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