Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
