just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
