I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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