Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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