lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
