two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
