insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
