please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
