i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
