Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
