we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
