You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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