i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
ugly people sure do ruin things
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize