If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
