I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
