I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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