You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
It was a blind-side dick pic.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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