I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
