And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
