I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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