walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
