So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
