So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
