oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
