yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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