In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
