His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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