I hate your face
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
