my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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