Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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