I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just invented taco cereal.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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