Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
