Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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