Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
