bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
