one word: firstdatebathroomanal
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
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