I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
When are your genitals available?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
