i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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