Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
