I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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