I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
