My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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