Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
as a side note pls kill me
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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