my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize