He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
My cat gives me a boner
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
