she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
