not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
