I must be too annoying 4 u.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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