someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
