Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
