my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
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