I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I AM VODKA MAN
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
