i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
