If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Small penises have feelings too.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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